Mourning and Grieving
Mourning and grieving. There are so many books, groups, self-help tapes, and counselors out there to help when you lose a loved one. Husband, Wife, Father, Mother, sister, brother friend. Have you ever noticed nothing on how to deal with the loss of a Master or submissive/slave? So in writing this article i’m hoping to heal myself and perhaps lend a helping hand to someone who might need survival help. i do hope my words are never needed by anyone, but in reality, we all lose someone, sometime…
I lost the love of my life on September 4, 1999. He was killed in a car accident. A drunk driver playing on his cell phone t-boned Master’s car, killing Him instantly. Not only was He the love of my life, He was my Master. The reason i took a breath everyday; the Man i lived to serve, please, love and cherish. In a moment, i lost Us, i lost me, i lost everything. I had to face the world by myself on a high wire with the safety net below gone. I didn’t want to take a step, up so high with nothing to catch me. I had to take that step, and i need to figure out how to do it; if i didn’t, i would fall, so i needed to find the strength.
Here i am eleven years later, still healing; but if i look down the net is there for me, in case i do fall. I know now, that it was never, not there. Let me explain how i survived the worst thing in my life, losing my master; and how i survived only because of Him and His strength. The safety He always gave me, He left it with me, even in His death. I just had to see it there. I needed to once again, find my focus.
I have gone through many stages these past few years. All the normal grief stages, so i’m told, but how do you explain to someone that doesn’t understand the way of life, i have chosen to live. Not only do i miss the man, the love of my life, but my Master! How do i not serve Him anymore? That was the toughest thing to deal with, not serving Him. Everyday i woke up serving Him and every night i went to bed serving Him. Whatever matter was necessary or called for me to do, every day of my life, i did it. My life was structured, yes filled with love, but also with discipline, respect, satisfaction and safety. Then it was all gone! Suddenly, a few days ago it came to me, it wasn’t gone at all, i just had to find it. No, it was not in another Dominant, He left it here for me so i could heal, until it was time for me to serve another. I made some mistakes, but it was a healing process, and i needed all those mistakes to realize, i was going to be ok.
I have this need like most submissive, to serve, to be controlled; to not have that suddenly because of death, almost killed me. i’m seeing clearer now, and i know i was happy, very happy, with the time i had with Him i have an advantage over many people who have lost a loved one. The last words i ever spoke to my Master, ” i love you, be safe, and i’ll see you tonight.” Then He kissed me softly, my face in His hands and He said, “Don’t forget Your list. I love you too, my love; i’ll call you later. He then stepped into His car, and i never saw Him alive again.
I think now, that His last thoughts were of me. I know this in my heart, He died a very happy man. I know emotionally, He had everything He wanted in His life. He lived His life just as He always fantasized it would be. He had His house, His slave, His every desire fulfilled. He knew He was taken care of, and He never wanted for anything. He knew a simple look from Him could have me doing anything He wanted. When He was killed, He was a very happy Man. Our relationship was filled with trust and communication. If He was ever disappointed in me, i know it and i corrected it. If i didn’t know how to correct the behavior on my own, i asked; and He would lead me down the proper path. If He pushed me too hard, He knew it and He knew where to stop until i was ready to be pushed harder.
In serving Him, i served myself. I was able to function because of my serve to Him. Now, i don’t have Him and i couldn’t function. I couldn’t remember my life before Him, so how could i possibly live my life without Him. As i slipped deeper and deeper into failure and destroying myself from pure agony, I realized something very important. I realized that i served this man but i also made Him proud. He was proud of the woman i was. He held me high on a pedestal; i was His princess and slut. i am still that woman. I can still make Him proud. So today, i brushed myself off and decided to make a list. I would a make a list everyday. For for tasks; some daily some days with extra things. i decided to “task” myself into writing my own tasks. i added some of the same daily chores that i would do when i served Master. I can’t lose who i am, the girl my Master was so proud of; i couldn’t do that to His memory any longer. i was very blessed, to have lived the life i had with Him. i am forever grateful for that. I am so proud that I was the one that He was with until He passed. I was the one that made Him happy. I hold onto that badge like a high honor now.
No, i do not serve Him anymore, for He is not here to receive it. But until i choose to serve another, i serve myself and Master’s memory. I continue to push my limits on a daily basis; however i can. i take care of myself, my house, the animals, and my daughter. i hope someday to serve another. The collar i wore was buried with my Master, as well as my silks and slave bells. It may take awhile before i’m ready to beg another collar.
I don’t know if my words are going to help anyone else on their own loss. I had to find it in myself, and others may too. i am proud to be who i am and to have serve my Master and loved Him as He loved me.
I do still miss Him very much. I miss His smell, His touch, and the way i was able to give Him total power over me. I will miss that until the day i take my last breath, but knowing the day He took His last, He had everything He had ached for, because i gave it to Him. With my gift to Him, i received the strongest strength i have ever known. His strength will always be with me, and i am truly grateful to be the one who received it.
Everyday is another day of healing. I will continue to heal, and perhaps soon, i will be able to understand more and be able to continue to move forward. Right now, this is where i am standing, looking down at that net again, so strong, the one that never left me, and i see how, it’s time to take another step….